How many people reading this like delicious sandwiches? I can only assume that 97% of the people reading this put up their hands. It’s also safe to assume that there is a 2% margin of error and that 1% of people out there are absolute douches. With that, this blog entry is catered to the 97% of smart people out there who like delicious, delicious sandwiches. Before I start getting into all of the juicy details I should add a little bit of background on to what exactly inspired this entry. The place I work at is stationed very close to a Subway, so naturally being someone who likes delicious sandwiches I head their quite often for lunch. This where I’ve established the ‘Subway Theory.’ The three principles of the Subway Theory are very simple and define who or what a person is capable of. So, shall we jump right into this?
The Subway Theory
1. The Bread- Subway has many different choices for bread. The choice that one makes for their bread is directly linked to their personality. This has absolutely nothing to do with the taste of the bread as everyone has had their brains linked to a bread choice that describes them. It’s a subconscious choice that shows the truth of a personality. For example, entertaining people who are fun to be around (and are usually irresistible) choose to eat Italian Herb and Cheese. Also health nuts, treehuggers and hippies choose to eat 9-Grain Wheat because to their subconscious it brings them more in tune with their Earth Mother.
2.Toasted?- This is where the Subway Theory determines who is a man and who is a sissy. I’m sorry ladies, but it’s the truth, if you are not a man then you clearly are a sissy. After all, you need to look at it like this, what do men do? Men hunt, fight and survive while the women prepare the berries and cook back in the teepees. In turn anything that does not involve fighting is very much sissy-like. You must understand where I’m coming from with this. One simple question will determine a man from a weakling at Subway, and that’s “Would you like your sub toasted?” A man answers ‘yes’ without even thinking, in fact, a real man answers ‘of course’ and then punches the nearest person in the face. Unless of course that person is female. Or a sissy.
3.The Lettuce Law- If you know anything about Subway you know for a FACT that their lettuce sucks. There’s too much of it and it always seem to be the shitty part of the lettuce (you know, the butt of it.) There never seems to be anything good about lettuce. However, the Subway Theory states that if you don’t get lettuce on your sub then you are a quitter. You choose to not put any challenge into the consumption of your sub. Subway sandwiches are not only tasty treats, they are also ruthless, demanding and self-fulfilling prophecies in the form of a sandwich. If you choose to not take the challenge of sifting through all the crap of lettuce to enjoy the full value of your sandwich then you are a quitter, there are no ifs or buts about it. THE THEORY STATES IT SO IT IS TRUE!!
So there you have it. The entire Subway Theory is still a work in progress and I’m sure as more lunch breaks go by the Subway Theory will grow and grow until it is almost as big as its own religion. Do you agree with this? Good, pass these principles around, embrace them, show people the truth behind Subway. Do you not agree with this? Well frankly, go enjoy your Italian un-toasted no-lettuce submarine sandwich, you pansy.
-Justin
